I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
handjob tips. give me some.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
We have started to decorate penises.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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