Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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