Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
did you just send me my own nude
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
