I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
