mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
