Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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