Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
