Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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