Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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