Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Randomize
