Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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