i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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