love makes seman taste better
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
