So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
