god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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