You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
