oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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