got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
