Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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