so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Randomize
