can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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