u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
