the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
