u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Naked Twister starts at high noon
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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