Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
The air taste purple.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
