When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
