I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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