yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
