You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Randomize
