i don't like sucking hair
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
