i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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