Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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