I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
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I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
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Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize