Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
