these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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