The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
