I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
