did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
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