I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
