Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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