well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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