i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
