update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
