I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
