My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
I am spending my child support on dildos
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
