I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
