I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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