i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
