So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
