there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
