am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
