Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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