don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
