happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
