I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
