Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I could make wine with my vomit
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
