My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
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