I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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