You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
