I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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