I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
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I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.