I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind