8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
