It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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