Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
