just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
