2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I forget how to act sober
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