Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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