I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
