My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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